I have been thinking a lot recently about why so many people are so opposed to the thought or idea or ideals of feminism. For the life of me I cannot figure out what it is because if you think about it, feminist have some of the most sound logic I've ever heard.
For example, I have been talking a lot about the issue of sir names (detailed in my previous post). I have been talking about it with more and more people and I just keep asking them why. Why would you take your husband's name or why would you expect your wife to take your name. The answers I keep getting are the same, "I don't know, that's just how it is" or "if she loves me she'll take my name" or "because we are supposed to be one" or "it makes me feel more connected".
What I dont understand is why people are not questioning the status quo. Why dont they ever ask themselves, or anyone else, why is it this way? When did it begin? Why did it begin?
I think my logic is pretty sound and not at all some crazy, radical, feminist reasoning. In fact I had already decided long before I identified as feminist, that I was going to keep my name. Im pretty sure I was about 10 or 11 when I decided. And you know what? My logic then was the same then, as it is now. Why would I do something for someone else, that they aren't willing to do for me? I mean think about it this way, if society, and everyone else expected you to cut off your arm when you got married, would you say sure I'll do that because its tradition! Ummm I don't think you would. and if you said yes, your lying. No one is going to cut off their arm just because they decide to get married or because some people say that's what you do when you get married and that's just the way it is. I'm pretty sure that if arm amputation was the norm people would definitely question it and refuse to do it, especially if the other person in the relationship wasn't required to do the same.
Now im not saying taking another's name is equivelent to cutting off your arm, but in a symbolic way it kind of is. You are taking away a part of you, eliminating your name that has been a part of your identity for your whole life until this point, and for what? For someone who would never do the same and doesnt even recognize or acknowledge the sacrifice that you have made for the rest of your life, for them. Tell me how that is sweet and romantic and full of love.
What is romantic to me is respect for my beliefs, respect for me being my own strong, independent person, and consideration of my views on societal norms in building our life together.
And what probably puts me off the most about the whole thing is that its just expected of you as a heterosexual woman. There's no discussion started by the male to see if that's what you want or if you want to keep your name or hyphenate or if you want him to take your name. No kind of autonomous, egalitarian discussion whatsoever. Its just "Ok your going to take my name because you love me and if we have kids I want them to have my name to keep my name going" or whatever the "reasoning" is. And the heavens forbid that you say "No I want to keep my name". Then its like freak out/meltdown central! What do you mean you don't want to take my name?!?! Don't you love me? don't you want to be a part of me? What about the kids we're going to have? How will people know your married to me? Now I don't know about you, but to me that sounds like hysteria on the male part. (and men say that women are emotional and irrational!)
Now let me address those questions with my calm rationale:
Q: What do you mean you don't want to take my name?!?!
A: I mean my name will remain the same when we are married as is it is right now.
Q: Don't you love me?
A: Yes I love you, otherwise I would not marry you.
Q: Don't you want to be a part of me?
A: No I do not want to be a part of you because I am my own person. I do want to share my life with you though. (keyword SHARE) And I want to be a part of your life and I want you to be a part of my life.
Q: What about the kids were going to have?
A1: We are not going to have kids, so that's not an issue for us.
A2: We can hyphenate both of our last names so the kids will have both of our names.
Q: How will people know your married to me?
A: If they don't already know us, I will tell them.
All of my responses sound quite logical to me.
My whole point here is that just because society or tradition tells you to do something, doesn't mean you have to or even should do it. You need to decide for yourself what you want, what you are willing to compromise, what your not willing to compromise, and why you choose to do something. All I'm saying is that you need to stay true to yourself and decide based off of you and what YOU feel is right for you. because the bottom line is that its you who is changing for someone else so it should be your choice alone. You don't need to compromise what you want to please others. If you want to change your name, that's great, just make sure the reasons are because you want to for personal reasons, not because it would be easier when you have kids or because his family/your family expects you to. If you don't want to change your name then don't, if he cant get over it, then he obviously doesn't deserve to call himself your husband in the first place.
Now tell me how all that logic is some radical, hippie, feminist brainwashing.
